Pleasure seeking isn’t always so pleasure-filled

 

She Whispers-Return To Innocence

Day 16 – 29

It has been two weeks from I have written about my journey.  I have committed to Layla Martins Jade egg practices yet I haven’t been as deeply present to them as I was. I found myself resistant to feeling anything at all. I found myself not gifting myself the time and making excuses inwardly as to why I couldn’t commit more fully. I felt silly self-conscious and not really in the mood to get fully into the practices. so I showed up in a minimal way and honoured that at least I could do that. I slept with her under my pillow enhance my dream time when I managed to get some sleep. I found myself feeling frustrated on many levels and when I dropped deeper into myself I became aware of some parts of myself that were not at ease with my journey into pleasure in any shape or form and were very resistant to this journey. So opening up and allowing myself to listen and become aware of what was moving through was important. I needed to gift myself the space to see what in me was resistant to owning and being in the pleasure of my own being and life. That is hard work on the inside, I do have wonderful people I trust I can go to and lean into when moving into something that feels bigger than I can handle alone or I just allow myself the privacy gift and presence of my own heart and inner council and trust I am held. There were many reasons on top of this too that felt like it was creating a block to me journeying deeper with the practices some of which were mostly that life has been extremely busy and I have also been dealing with sick babies sleepless nights and mothering life has just been exhausting to the point of me feeling resentful. It almost feels like a cardinal sin to say we resent mothering at times yet it is as true as our feeling of love for our children and it is our love that helps sustain us through the mothering obligations when we are resenting their demands upon us. So often women are shamed for speaking to these true feelings when in a state of overwhlem, it is my prayer that safe spaces become ever more readily availbale for women and men parenting to drop the armour and speak to these feelings openly knowing there will be no judgement only compassion for whats moving through knwoing this will make us better able to show up and parent better than before because we are no holding it all in and festering into an old bitter twisted version of the parent we were born to be. Someone once suggested my openness was leaving me wide open for criticism and misunderstanding which it may very well be, yet I know no other way to be and strongly feel its one of my strengths and why women choose time and time again to open to me and allow me the honour of walking them through some of their deepest hurts. What I have noticed in myself given that my commitment has wavered with the jade egg is a little is a dip in my energy and in my sense of connection to myself. I have noticed old habits returning even in a short space of time, mindless eating, a need to numb out, a restlessness, as my heart craves the deeper lasting effect of staying in tune with myself in a sacred lovingly connected way. So even though I am not singing about all of the pleasure in my life right now in this article it wasn’t devoid of pleasure at all, there were some quite extraordinary exquisite moments of deep pleasure that moved through when I dropped into vulnerability and spoke my heart. Then today my first moon blood arrives since conception and BF my last little Rose and it has left me quite spacey and ungrounded in between worlds yet having to be rooted in this world as I am still tending to sick children, well one child really as the other is teething more than sick and the other is well on her road to recovery with the fire in her belly igniting again s mischief can come back into play. So here I am writing as I want to commit to this journey. When I do stop bleeding I will recommit gently to some of the deeper practices and gift myself the time to really unravel the resistance in me to fully own and being in my pleasure in this lifetime.

 

In Love & Devotion

Always curious and open

Genevieve Marie Rose